Excerpt from the title story - The Nude Nuns


Nude Nuns
My brother-in-law, an antique dealer in Chapel Hill, NC, was in Kansas City for a few days lecturing on porcelains at the Nelson-Atkins Art Gallery as part of the National Antique Dealer’s convention being held in KC. He graciously included Judy and me at a dinner with his colleagues at the Carriage Club. Afterwards, we invited some of the group over to our house for drinks and tubbing. It was a cool, fall evening, we filled our wine glasses, I explained the "no suits" house rule, and we headed for the deck. Everyone hopped in the tub except for two, reluctant, middle-aged ladies sporting girls-fast-pitch-softball haircuts and wearing unfashionable brown shoes. I was to later learn that the two were ex-nuns, lesbian lovers and partners in an antique business. Their comfortable shoes should have been a dead giveaway, but my gaydar was not well developed at the time.
My brother-in-law tried to coax them into disrobing and joining us by saying, “Look, I don’t know what you’re worried about. For God’s sake, you know everyone here except Chuck, who is obviously harmless, so what’s the big deal?” Seemingly impressed by this compelling argument, one of the two disrobed and started to step into the tub. She was rather comely as I recall, once unencumbered by her drab, matronly garb. Her companion was aghast at this apparent betrayal of affection and affront to common decency and stormed off the deck. Unfortunately, in her haste she failed to notice the closed sliding screen door blocking her entry back into the house. She hit that screen door at full speed and bounced off leaving an indelible imprint like those featured in a Roadrunner cartoon after Wile E. Coyote falls to earth from a precipice. The now nude nun rushed to the aid of her stunned companion, grabbed her clothes, embraced her mightily pissed off lover, and they left without so much as a, “Thanks for the lovely evening.” I left the screen door unrepaired for months to serve as a reminder of this remarkable encounter.
I live for moments such as this.